Beside Myself

BA: Hey, man. What's up?

AJ: Meh…n'much...

BA: Not much? Really? Geeze…could’a fooled me!

AJ: Yeah? And what’s that supposed to mean?

BA: Oh, I think you know.

AJ: Okay, alright. I guess you could say I’ve been pretty busy. No, make that really busy.

BA: And…?

AJ: “And” what?

BA: And, lots has been going on in your life, your job, your kids’ lives, your relationship with your wife…need I say more?

AJ: Yeah…okay. So what’s your point?

BA: My point is, you’ve been keeping it all to yourself, Doofus! What about the Blog? The writing, it was how we communicated; working it all out together. It was our outlet…our means to help process it all. I know you think about it all the time, but what happened? Why’d we stop talking?

AJ: Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that; we still talk…a little...don’t we?

BA: Man, you really ARE out of it! I guess you haven’t you read any of Michael’s comments lately, have you?

AJ: Yeah, yeah…I saw ‘em. He was just bustin’ my balls is all. He’s rather good at that, y’know…

BA: So you just ignore it…without so much as a snappy comeback? My Gawd! What’s happened to you, AJ?!

AJ: Life, Dude. Life.

BA: Talk to me, Boss...

AJ: *sigh* Oh you know. Hell, you know what I’ve been going through at work. Sure, I came through that initial period of uncertainty with the new boss okay, but things are so much different now. There are so many new things that I have to deal with. I battle with so much uncertainty about what I’m really capable of; whether my presence is truly appreciated or merely tolerated. Sometimes I really wonder.

Before, well…things were easier — maybe too easy, I guess. My job was more or less automatic. Nobody else in the whole company could do what I did. But things are different now. Hell, everything’s different. I have so much to learn, so many new procedures to follow. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’ve lost at least a little confidence that I can deal with it all. It’s all I think about lately.

BA: Um…Hello! Am I talkin’ Chinese here?! Do ya not remember what you always used to say — that your Blog was that which allowed you to get rid of the stuff rattling around in your head, so you wouldn’t have to think about it anymore? So what, that doesn’t work now?

AJ: Yeah, I know, I know, but it’s harder now. I mean…anymore I just want to come home at night and veg, y’know?. I just don’t seem to have the inspiration to write like I used to. I get bored with my own stories; I spin off into tangents and struggle to get back on point…

BA: So what else is new? That never seemed to stop you before…

AJ: Yeah, but before it was different; it seemed as though I always had something to say; it didn’t matter how long I drew it out. I always felt it would be something that others would be interested to hear. Now I’m not so sure. I don’t know that even I would be interested in my babbling these days.

BA: Oh, so now it’s about what “others” think? Well here’s MY opinion. It wasn’t supposed to be about what anyone else thinks, it’s about YOU. It’s supposed to be about expressing your life, your memories, your opinions. It’s supposed to be about building a library of experiences that you yourself can return to again and again; a library built for an audience of one, but that can be enjoyed by all.

And who cares if you fell off the horse? Get back on that beast for chrissakes! What are you afraid of? They already know you talk to yourself, ‘ya freakin’ nutcake! Everybody knows you’re a weirdo, so whadaya got to lose?

G’ahead. Take it slow. Get your groove back on. You’ll feel better, I promise.

AJ: Yeah…maybe you’re right.

BA: ‘Course I’m right! I AM the better angel of your nature, aren’t I?

AJ: Yeah, and you’ve really been buggin’ the HELL out of me lately…

BA: Deal with it, Doofus. You’ll find a way. I gots confidence in ya.

AJ: Sh’yeah…I guess. Besides, I just noticed that Gooch is back, so I reckon I really have no excuses now…

BA: Ya got that right, Homeboy, not a one. Now get busy...


finis